I've lost my mind.

.You know, this is just going to be one long, rambling, badly written collection of nothingness. Story of my life I guess..
There was once a time in my childhood I was actually happy. Before 'it' happened, and left me with a different view on the world.
I used to want to do everything, talk to everyone and fluttered thru my childhood happily content that everything was as it should be and was good.
Yeah.. That changed.
My father had to support his parents, his wife and me, the first born (due to my older sister being a late miscarriage).
As a result, my dad was always at work. My mom used to take me on days out, into town, buy daddy something nice, go to work and take it to him. He was always busy. But I got to watch him work. As a VERY young child I found it fascinating to see simple things like an Arburg being purged, or a Krauss Maffei having a tool change, or a Negri Bossi blow-back with a rumble, gurgle and boom as it sends its hopper and 30kg of glass filled Nylon 66 into the air.
But seeing dad at work was not ideal. But seeing him at home was much worse. He would come home tired, very grumpy, he would snap, throw a temper at little things, all the things he has seen I have become. Because I got my wish, followed in his footsteps and became like him.
I spent most of my childhood with his youngest brother as my male role model. Though his other brother also used to spend time with me. But it was the youngest who spent the most time with me. Who would read me bedtime stories till I drifted off. Who taught me to chew gum. Taught me to hunt, to cross the road safely, to throw knives, to climb trees, to do the best at all I do.
It was like he was always there, not just an uncle, a big brother, a friend, and more, he was always there.
Till he left.
Looking back I was probably practice for when he had his own kids.
But from my pov back then, the person I most looked up to, who I wanted to be like, who was always there. That person abandoned me.
I still had two more uncles and an aunt, grandma, grandpa, mom, dad and newest addition my baby bro in the house.
But that didnt matter. I felt alone. Unwanted. Like what did I do wrong?
My life since then had been a case of unwanted, unappreciated, to the point of putting such little value on myself that I no longer cared what the outcome of my actions was.
175 on the freeway? Sure!
Jumping off bridges, sounds like fun.
Im twenty-six years old. And only now have I found what I thought never existed for me.
The most beautiful woman. Who always looks out for me. Who always checks up on me. Who always comforts me. Who is always there for me.
I love her so much id do anything, even die for her. If she asked it, there would be no hesitation. Because my life I owe to her, because what I had before wasnt living. Its only with her im alive. I know that. And ill never let go. Ever.