Terrified

Got my wedding coming up in August and im afraid i will mess it up, its going to be filmed what if i cant speak proper or if i get clumsy and fall with nervous? :(
Seen loads of videos of weddings but i still feel unprepaired :(

I've lost my mind.

.You know, this is just going to be one long, rambling, badly written collection of nothingness. Story of my life I guess..
There was once a time in my childhood I was actually happy. Before 'it' happened, and left me with a different view on the world.
I used to want to do everything, talk to everyone and fluttered thru my childhood happily content that everything was as it should be and was good.
Yeah.. That changed.
My father had to support his parents, his wife and me, the first born (due to my older sister being a late miscarriage).
As a result, my dad was always at work. My mom used to take me on days out, into town, buy daddy something nice, go to work and take it to him. He was always busy. But I got to watch him work. As a VERY young child I found it fascinating to see simple things like an Arburg being purged, or a Krauss Maffei having a tool change, or a Negri Bossi blow-back with a rumble, gurgle and boom as it sends its hopper and 30kg of glass filled Nylon 66 into the air.
But seeing dad at work was not ideal. But seeing him at home was much worse. He would come home tired, very grumpy, he would snap, throw a temper at little things, all the things he has seen I have become. Because I got my wish, followed in his footsteps and became like him.
I spent most of my childhood with his youngest brother as my male role model. Though his other brother also used to spend time with me. But it was the youngest who spent the most time with me. Who would read me bedtime stories till I drifted off. Who taught me to chew gum. Taught me to hunt, to cross the road safely, to throw knives, to climb trees, to do the best at all I do.
It was like he was always there, not just an uncle, a big brother, a friend, and more, he was always there.
Till he left.
Looking back I was probably practice for when he had his own kids.
But from my pov back then, the person I most looked up to, who I wanted to be like, who was always there. That person abandoned me.
I still had two more uncles and an aunt, grandma, grandpa, mom, dad and newest addition my baby bro in the house.
But that didnt matter. I felt alone. Unwanted. Like what did I do wrong?
My life since then had been a case of unwanted, unappreciated, to the point of putting such little value on myself that I no longer cared what the outcome of my actions was.
175 on the freeway? Sure!
Jumping off bridges, sounds like fun.
Im twenty-six years old. And only now have I found what I thought never existed for me.
The most beautiful woman. Who always looks out for me. Who always checks up on me. Who always comforts me. Who is always there for me.
I love her so much id do anything, even die for her. If she asked it, there would be no hesitation. Because my life I owe to her, because what I had before wasnt living. Its only with her im alive. I know that. And ill never let go. Ever.

First blog post, first blog infact..

My first blog, unless you count livejournal, deadjournal and all that shite I used once and never again some time in the 1990's?

Not a very good day today, feeling crap as it was and I made a fuckup of monumental proportions by asking something I already knew the answer to and didn't even need to check on, but due to a past scarred by utter demonic slags, I had to ask the one Angel in my life to be sure. I didn't need to, God only knows the upset she feels now :'(

And so, hence the title of the blog. It's also a quote from HAL 9000, but it is also down to my human error today. I keep telling myself that. That I *am* human and I do make some mistakes, after all, I myself was a condom busting mistake. But shouldn't have needed to ask no matter how it looked. I'll try to make it up to her. I hope I can. Without her in my life I got no reason to carry on, I'm here for her.

Okay incase I'm entirely clueless here, I *think* blogs can be read by just about anyone, or anyone you allow to. Since this is just created I shall assume that as default, anyone can read this so if you are reading this, give me a clue as to what people write in them?
I don't really know what the point of them is, or indeed why I want one. Maybe I just need to find a way of writing some things down. When I was much much younger I used to scribble my random thoughts, fears, ideas etc in a big A4 scrapbook. My teacher opened it once when I went for recess and figured I needed some "professional help" heh, I think it was down to the fact it was all red pen, more than the depressing content.

Fuck knows what I am doing with a blog, I used to be one of the most up to date kids on the internet. I was there when Lilith Astaroth was new. I was there when modems were like 28kbps and before that. Now it seems kids know more about these blogs and social networking sites. I'm too old school for that, I'm still of the opinion the NSA, CIA, FBI, MI6 etc are using them to spy on the masses for the small factions within the world governments who want total control.
God, I miss the days of hackers fighting the system, rather than stealing credit card details..